I just deleted Douchebag's name and number from my cell phone. I deleted him from my instant messenger friend's list, too. I'm over the games that he's playing. If he contacts me again, then so be it, I'll handle it then, but I don't really feel that will be a problem. I'm just pissed. I feel like an asshole for nothing. Well, almost nothing. It's obvious that I was used, but what's worse is that I convinced myself that I wasn't. I convinced myself that it was the set-up that I wanted and it was me who was making the call on what Douchebag and I would be. Well my friends, that was not the case. He chose when and where and I slid by and let it happen. The good news is that it never went far and I've spared myself what would probably have been a terrible mistake.
Does it sound juvenile saying that I'm so glad I didn't sleep with him? I feel stretched between the point of adolescence and adulthood. It's like straddling a state line and not knowing which way you're supposed to go. It seems almost ridiculous to call myself an adult, but I'll be twenty-one in a matter of six weeks and able to do everything that a legal adult can do, but I just don't feel like an adult. Wasn't everything in my life supposed to be worked out by now? Shouldn't I be in a relationship with a person that I can see myself with in the future instead of just goofing around with my "love" life? Am I supposed to be able to realistically survey my life thus far and feel good about or even comfortable with the notion of the impending future and thus the "real world" by now?
The real reason that I'm upset about douchebag is not because of the rejection I feel, but because of the way in which it happened. I, for once, did not play games with him. I talked honestly with him and felt he was being honest with me in regards to what he wanted from me. I can rationalize his lie about not coming over, which he chalked up to me not contacting him (see previous posts) but I can't rationalize his fraudulent friendship.
"You're one of the few people I won't be a dick to. I want to be an asshole to everyone because of what happened to me, but there's a few people I won't do that to, and you're one of them." He actually said that. What happened to him, you ask? He went away to school for college and his girlfriend back in high school cheated on him. A lot. Hell, we've all been cheated on or betrayed by someone, haven't we? This doesn't excuse treating someone, especially someone who you consider a friend, like a dipshit.
I fell for it. I fell for his occasional sweetness, using those brief occurances to negate all his poor behavior. Well, lesson learned. I'll be bitter about it for a day or two, but honestly it wasn't like I could see this going anywhere in the long-term. At least I know I give great head...
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I clap for you.
*Clap* *Clap*
I will ramble in Matt Foley now, you can read it or just skip over it.
There is a time we all need to grow up. My question to you is this. Why do you feel like you have to grow up now? You're 21 (ish), these are the best years of your life. This is the time where you explore and party and get shit-faced until 4 in the morning. Then you get a designated driver because you aren't stupid. It seems like a time where you're supposed to have fun, but not fucking kill yourself doing something stupid. Yeah, you'll get a few assholes like this along the way. Actually, probably quite a few. And you'll be hurt. You'll get the scars. And be better because of it.
And I saw something in this post. You, for once, didn't play games with him. That says volumes about yours and his comparative maturity. You're ready to try for something real. He's obviously not (or at least doesn't know who with).
You don't need to settle because "everything is supposed to be worked out". He's an ass. He's not a booty call, he doesn't appear to be a mate, he seems like an awful friend. All you're guilty of is hoping. Hoping it would work. He made his decision. You made yours.
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