All the things I'm thinking

It's 1:27am and I'm sitting naked in my dorm room, writing on this blog because I want to spill the bitchiness that is seething inside me. This is where I'm free from judgment, for the most part, and this is where I'm safe. Tonight when I got off work at midnight, I came back to my room, pondering what I should wear tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I tried on a few outfits, then lay down on my bed, nude as I caressed my body. I thought of you. I thought of you as I dipped my fingers inside myself and couldn't believe that you turned this down. I slid my wet fingers out of me and turned them as they glistened in the light, shining with my juices. I don't care if it's crude, if it's arrogant, if it offends you. I want you to be sorry. Not sorry for treating me like a bitch, but sorry that you missed out on me.

Did I tell you that I saw what she looked like? It's a little insulting to think that you chose her over me. I hope she has an amazing personality. I judged her, I picked apart her flaws and compared them to my own. She has a muffin-top, a bad smile, no hips, and bushy eyebrows. She's thinner than I am, it's true, but if you'd rather have that than me, so be it. Call me shallow. Call me callous. Call me bitter and judgmental. But, for your sake, I hope you turn the lights out on this one.

Do you believe me when I say I'm a little giggly about it? About how I wasted my time and my excellent oral skills on a chump like you? Can you hear me slap myself square in the forehead for ever thinking that I wasn't good enough? I played your game, little boy, wait, scratch that, I got sucked into your game through my own stupidity, I'll admit it.

In awhile, maybe not soon, maybe not for months or a year, you'll have a thought that crosses your mind about me. Maybe it'll be when and if another girl is going down on you and you'll compare her to me. Will it make you sad? Will you regret it and wonder what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with?

All these things I'm thinking, but not saying to you. I wrote some of them out in an away message that I know you would see. I erased them, thinking that I shouldn't judge you or your choices, but I can here. I wanted to say in one message that I'm "moving on to bigger and better things...emphasis on the bigger...well, actually emphasis on the better, too," but I didn't say that. Would you know I was talking about you and your warped sense of size? Did a girl lie to you and tell you that you had a monster cock? Did you not get my hint when I made you cum in a matter of a few minutes that you weren't impressive?

I would say best of luck to you, but I really don't wish it upon you. I honestly don't think you deserve it. I'd be lying if I said I was happy for you because I'm not. You'll never hear me say these words to you because it's not worth my energy to contact you, nor would it do any good to tell you how big of a dickbite you are.

Here I am and I have a smile on with a fuck you attitude, because I'm a cunt, and because I can.

What a great confidence booster!

I'm considering writing to the creator of Facebook and telling him that his creation is the source of all evil. It's impossible not to stalk people on Facebook as their every move is documented to you when you sign into your account. Their status updates, their pictures, their comments on other people's walls, and their relationship status updates. Guess which one gets the most attention?

I signed on this past weekend and saw that Douchebag's relationship status had changed from single to "in a relationship and it's complicated." Well. Seeing as how Douchebag told me that he didn't want a girlfriend right now, you could imagine my surprise, right? I wasn't even really that surprised. It figures, I mean I did nickname him Douchebag on my blog for a reason, didn't I?

So I guess his whole "I don't want a committment" really meant "I don't want a committment with you." It kind of hurt me for about an hour or two because my instant thought was what did I do wrong, was I not good enough? Will I ever be good enough? Why not me, why not now, why not with him? I'm sure there's answers to these questions, but the questions aren't really the issue, I suppose.

Maybe I'm too good for him. Maybe I deserve better. Maybe I'm holding out for something amazing because I deserve it and won't stop until I find it. Maybe some subconscious impression influenced him to think that I wasn't girlfriend material, or maybe I figured that a guy who couldn't make me cum (twice) wasn't worth my time. I won't lie and say that it hasn't affected me because it has. Part of me still is thinking about the whys or hows.

Honestly the biggest issue I have with this is that now I have to look for new options for hookups, not that he was even that great of an option, but at least it was something and I had a history with him. I'm going home this weekend for Thanksgiving and I might hit the bars to scan for something, but it seems almost sleazy to do that. Most of my peers seem to find love so easily, my closest friends here are all in relationships...actually, significant, long-term relationships. Sometimes I feel like the odd man out because I'm the single one who isn't in love and gushing about how fucking amazing my boyfriend is and how awesome his mom and dad are and how they can't wait for us to get married and make gorgeous, chubby little babies. I'm fucking 21, I don't need a man to make me whole, it would be a nice addition, but I'm not desperate for a serious relationship, mostly because I want to experience life by myself for awhile without having to share it with someone. Call it selfish, call it smart, call it immature.

But, with that being said, I do sometimes want a warm body to cuddle up to. Sometimes I want to send dirty texts during my 3 hour lecture that makes me want to stick needles in my eyes. I want a guy to hookup with, but who respects me for my choice that hooking up may be all I want for awhile. Am I asking too much, or not enough?

Sunday.

I always liked the way that you couldn't ever tell me no,
you always had that crooked smile when I'd take control.
Brush your hand against my cheek and kiss me softly,
did you feel corrupted when I wouldn't let you off me?
Breathe hard and quick as you shiver against my chest,
could you see through me when I lied and whispered that you were the best?
Come to my bed and I'll tell you a story,
about a boy who should have, but just couldn't ignore me.
Did I live up to your dreams and your expectations, knowing it was me who gave it to you the first,
You should have picked a girl who was gentle with a sweet touch, one that could love and kiss without a seal of a curse.

Boy, don't lie,
let's not forget what this really was,
you never wanted the nice girl exterior when you knew what I was deep inside,
you could be inside,
I couldn't pretend that I was anything other than bad,
I'm the girl of your dreams that you want,
and could have had.

Do you think about me when you go to bed,
imagining how we lock eyes when I give you head?
When you look down at your fingertips,
does it remind you of how I brought them to my lips,
to taste what you taste when you eat me out,
or what about the time when you put your hand over my mouth,
making sure that my neighbors wouldn't hear me shout?
Does it make you hard thinking about all we've done,
do you like knowing that all I'm asking for is fun?

Tears of Joy

Earlier tonight, a few friends and I gathered around to talk about our weekends. I shared my stories of being a drunken idiot for most of the past four days, and asked one of my best friends, who shares my birthday, how his weekend of his 21st birthday was. "Good. Went home. Saw the grandparents. Got engaged," he said nonchalantly. When the word engaged came from his mouth, I immediately grabbed his fiance, my other best friend here at school, and we started crying as we embraced. I couldn't believe that I was crying. I'm usually not a sap, but I guess when two people are so close to you and they make such a life changing decision, it's normal to have an emotional reaction. I asked how he proposed and hugged him as I was still crying, even more so now that I knew how romantically he had done it. It was perfect for them. The ring is absolutely gorgeous and really suits her well. I'm so happy for them that words can't even describe it.

As the newly engaged couple informed some other friends, I could see how different peoples' reactions were. One of our friends smiled, but you could see it wasn't genuine. I knew that she was happy for them, but at the same time, I knew she was thinking about her boyfriend who she's been with for six years and how they were supposed to get engaged but he blew all the money he'd been saving for a ring. I guess it's hard to watch people around you get a ring when you want that more than anything, but aren't sure if it's going to happen or when it's going to happen. As for me, I can't see myself getting engaged or even dating someone seriously in the near future. It doesn't make me sad or anything to say that, it is what it is, but sometimes I wonder if other people judge me by my singleness. It's not that I hate men or that I have a fear of commitment or anything, it's just that I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to be in a relationship because there is a lot going on in my life and I'm unsure of many things so I don't think it would be fair to try to commit myself to another person at this time. Plus, I don't want to close myself off from other options (for lack of a better word). For example, one of the reasons I wouldn't date Douchebag, even if he wanted to, is because I don't want to have to say no to other guys. I wouldn't hookup with other guys while douchebag and I are doing whatever we're doing, but I would break things off with him completely if I found someone better (again, for lack of a better word). I think he feels the same way about me, and I understand it. I'm 21, I want to have fun. I want to have a one night stand, I want to have drunken, sloppy, passionate, teeth-and-nail-marks sex. I'm not saying that can't happen with someone you love, but for me at this moment, it wouldn't happen with someone I love.

Speaking of Douchebag, there's yet another story involving him. Last night I went out with a few girlfriends to a local bar for some drinks and just to have a good night. We spent a few hours there then drove to another bar where my cousin and some of his friends were at. By this point, I was pretty drunk and knew my friend had to leave, so I was going to be the only girl in a big sausage-fest of a night. We went back to my cousin's house to play some pool and drink a little more. Luckily, my aunt was there, so she protected somewhat from the verbal assault I was receiving for being on my phone with Douchebag instead of hanging out with the guys. In a weird way, I forgot how fun it is to hang out with just the guys, not competing for their attention, not looking to hookup with them, but just genuinely hanging out with them and having a good time. Anyways, Douchebag texted me a few hours after I invited him over, saying he couldn't come out tonight because he was too drunk to drive. According to my sent messages folder on my phone, I told him, "Oh fuck you, that's retarded." Then when he didn't answer quickly enough, "Fine. It'll be someone else then. Later." That got his attention. "Well why can't you come get me?" I told him I was drunk, too and that I was with a bunch of guys and they said they wouldn't drive to bring another guy over to the house. This must have pissed him off further because he called me at this point. I went in my cousin's bedroom for some privacy, but got harassed nonetheless. Douchebag asked if I wanted to hookup with any of the guys there. I told him not really, that I wanted him and that I'm sick of him playing these high school games of cat and mouse. He said he didn't understand and that he wants to fuck me, but he doesn't know when it's okay to come over and when it's not. I told him whatever and that I'm always the one to ask him over and it makes me feel like a piece of shit. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but I know he said that if he could make it out there, I'd be getting fucked tonight. Well, I got home around 4am and crashed. When I awoke, there was nothing from him, nor did I really expect there to be.

Meanwhile, another guy friend had texted me a lot that night. He was clearly drunk, but I still talked to him now and again through the night. I feel like we're in reversed situations. He wants me like I want douchebag, and douchebag doesn't want me like I don't want this other guy. He's texted me a few times today but I haven't really answered since I'm not interested. It wouldn't make a difference anyway right now because he's in Texas for school, a little bit too far away.

I feel that douchebag only wants me when he's drunk, but the only time I contact him usually is when I'm drunk, too. Do I do that so that if he says no, I don't care that much? I have no idea.

I'm 21 and still alive

This past Thursday I turned 21. Perhaps the last significant numerical passing in my life. I had only one class on Thursday and then I registered for classes for the Spring semester, so it was a relatively easy day, thankfully. I came back to my room after lunch to nap so I would be prepared for the shitshow that would be my entire evening. I took a shower, got my crap together to get ready at home and then left with my designated driver for the night, my cousin. Even as I type this, it seems like all of this happened weeks ago, very odd.

Anyways, we got to my house and my mom made a very lovely dinner of lemon chicken with capers and roasted potatoes and broccoli. It was delicious and I definitely overate, but of course I still had room for my birthday cake, which I regret not getting to take leftovers back to my dorm...oh well. At dinner, my older sister asked if I wanted a watermelon martini, which I declined, and my little sister, who is precious and so funny in all her 11 years of life experience, said, "Oh, yeah...you don't want to get over-drunk do you? You're gonna be over-drunk like dad when he puked up shrimps in the driveway!" Oh, how I love her. The incident that she's talking about is the only time that we've ever seen my dad drunk. He was at a shift Christmas party with my mom and I guess some other firefighters were egging him on to do a bunch of shots, needless to say, he got pretty wasted. The next day, my little sister yelled at all of us to be quiet because dad had the flu. Now she knows there was no flu at all.

My older sister, my cousin, and I left to the bar at around 8:30pm so we could get in before the 9pm cover charge started. My sisters had gotten me several ridiculous, obnoxious accessories to wear all night to tell people that it's my 21st birthday. These included a pink feather boa, a flashing "it's my birthday!" star, several strands of beads, and a tiara that said "buy me a drink! I'm 21!" I felt ridiculous, but by the end of the night I appreciated the gesture.

When we got to the bar, we found our table of friends and then my sister asked me what I wanted to drink. Hmm..I wasn't really sure because I'd never been to a bar before, so I didn't know what they had to offer. I picked a UV bomb and a cranberry and vodka to start. My sister and I took the bomb and I brought my cranberry and vodka over to our table, where another shot and a large mixed drink called a "Motherfucker" was awaiting me. In the next hour, I took 9 shots and had two mixed drinks. I know some of the shots included a red-headed slut, an apple pie shot, a soco and lime, and a jager bomb, given to me by a girl who I hadn't seen since freshman year of high school.

The amazing thing about celebrating your 21st birthday at a bar is that everyone will buy you a drink. Everyone. The only memory that I have of this is looking at my digital camera because my sister took pictures with me and a bunch of the guys that bought me drinks. The worst drink that I had the entire night was a Rumplemintz shot. My cousin bought it for me, so that alone should have told me that it would be terrible because he likes to drink very hard, very serious liquor. Rumplemintz is a 100-proof peppermint schnapps imported from Germany. This shot was taken later into the night and after I took it, it was the only time that I thought I might throw up. It burned so terribly, and since my sister wouldn't buy me a chaser, I had to gulp down some of her Coors Light to ease the pain. When I thought that even the Coors Light didn't taste too bad, I knew I was going to be fucked over the next day.

My sister's goal for the night was to get me to drink 21 shots. I know that I drank more than the equivalent to 21 shots because she was a bitch and wouldn't count all the bombs I had as a shot and a half since they were bigger. She didn't count the mixed drinks at all, and a part of me thinks her real goal was to kill me. I don't remember a lot from the Rumplemintz shot on. I don't know how I got back to my room, but I know two of my best friends were in there to help put my drunk ass to sleep. The next morning, I woke up with pink feathers everywhere, clothes strewn around on the floor, and I couldn't find my bra from the previous night for anything. Needless to say, I didn't go to class on Friday. I thought I would be able to because I woke up early enough to go to my 12pm class, but then I realized at 11:30 that I was still fucked up. I went back to bed on and off until around 4, but no one wanted me to sleep apparently because I kept getting calls from people. My mom was very concerned for my life, as was I to be honest..But I was quite the champ. I did not throw up once during the night. Yesterday, I felt like I was going to throw up several times during the day, especially when I tried to eat, but still, nothing. Tonight I'm going to the bars with a few friends, so we'll see how that plays out. As for now, I'm alive and well.

There's a difference

It irritates me when my friends get hurt because they enter an arrangement in which they think will result in an actual relationship as in one person dating another in a committed sense. However, one person is usually confused by the other's actions. No matter what anyone says, there are levels of dating. You can try and deny it, try to define it, but nevertheless, you'll get confused by it.

On one hand you have the trendy "fuck buddy," a person who you have no interest in other than fucking. You don't tell this person about your puppy being sick or about your bitchy co-worker. You talk about dick and pussy and any variation of sexual intercourse. This fuck buddy is often confused with a Friend with Benefits (FWB). They are nowhere close to being the same thing. To me, a FWB is someone who you have a general liking of, have some things in common, talk now and then, and enjoy hooking up at the end of the night. FWB is a much more respectful relationship to me, where you probably care a little bit more about this person. I don't recommend doing normal friend things with this person like going out to movies or out to dinner, unless you want to get yourself into a relationship mode, which can fuck you over several different ways.

Then there is this "together" phenomena in my generation where you are committed to this person, but not officially dating. Sometimes we refer to this as "Facebook official" where it lists on your Facebook page who you are in a relationship with. Basically, it's like a FWB, but you're strictly committed to that one person to hook up with, and there's more emotions with a person you're together with than there is with a FWB.

Then there is the boyfriend/girlfriend title, this is official ooey-gooey dating where you can hold hands, have sweet little pecks in public, etc. You can probably understand how all of this may get confusing for one person. One person in any of these aforementioned relationships/arrangements is going to be more emotionally vested in it than the other. It goes without saying that, doesn't it? Apparently, not so. This is why people should have a talk of where they stand with each other, especially if one person starts acting differently in regards to the situation, like wanting to spoon after sex instead of just getting the fuck out of your bed, or if the person sends you a Hallmark-esque email/text/IM/voicemail.

Problems will ensue.

I feel that this explanation was needed to explain my situation with Douchebag perhaps more so than I have in the past. D-bag and I have had the conversation of what we want while we're hooking up. It's strictly that, hooking up. I would tend to say we're more FWB than fuck buddies, only because we have a past friendship that is now complicated with hooking up. However, he can view this differently, so for argument's sake, let's just say where more than fuck buddies but less than FWB.

Douchebag doesn't want a girlfriend. I don't want a boyfriend, not now. If things progressed with him or with someone else, I'd tell him up front because I don't believe in fucking with someone's head, heart, or emotions.

With that being said, I'm going to post a conversation that I had with D-bag when I was obscenely drunk this past Friday. I'll be honest and say that I've never been as drunk as I was on Friday, but I did not puke (yay for me). Here goes (I took our screen names off for obvious reasons..and try to ignore my ADD and spelling in this conversation, like I said, I was quite drunk):

He's typing in the bolded font.

:are you playing video games.
-: yep
: lol i knew it
: you're a butthead for not coming over though
: i'm drunk and i'm using the right you're and your....im fucking amazing
-: huh
-: using the what
: it doesn't matter. i really wanted you to come over tonight.
-: what dont matter
-: i woulda
: well wtf. come over then
-: i dunno lol its late
: pussy......video games....i see the tough decision
-: me to
: eh
-: what would we do
: fuck
: i turn fuckin 21 on thursday.
-: dont feel cool
-: im 12tth
: a day ahead of me? that's funny
: are you gonin out on ur bday
-: nope
-: lol and u dont wanna fuck
: lame
yes i do
: i've been telling u i want to fuck you forever and you've been a pussy
: being a pussy=no pussy
: actually i asked to bring condoms
: and u said no
: bulllllllllshit
: okay, no wait
: dont give me that shit
: that was once
: i asked u if i could bring them
: and ur like oh lets take it slow
: i didnt say take it slow,i just wanted to do other stuff but i'm over it.
: but you're right, i did say that.
: once
: and then i invited you over twice and u totally rejectedme
: this would work out good. i don't want a fucking boyfriend, just a boy to hook up with. perfect deal
: i know
: and dont call me a pussy lol if i aske du to fuck
: okay. i won't call you a a pussy anymore. just as long as you come and fuck me sometime soon
: i dunno if u want that
: im a little big
: you are big and i love it. itll work out
: i dont want it to hurt
: lol it'll be fine. i want u in me
: see i dont get u
: u say one day
: u dont wanna do it
: and nights like this
: u do
: no, i always do..
: i just feel weird when i'm always the one to tell u to come over
: theres no sense in pushing it if you feel weird u obviousdly dont wanna do it that bad
: and i know ur busier
: then i am
: so i wait till wehrn ur not busy
: no, lol i do...u don't even know. i had to fucking masturbate twice in like 15 minutes and i still got horny right after
: i'm not busy
all i do is study and work and occassionally get drunk
: and compared to that, fucking is above all of it
: lol wait when
: when what?
: u masturbate
: fucking last night
: i couldn't sleep at all
: twice in fifteen minutes and then it might as well not even have happend for all the good it did
: lol .. do u use a vibrator?
: i did and then the batteries ran out and then ic an't find them.
: i started fingering myself though
: feels to good not to
: thats hot
: eh..rather have your cock
: even better
: exactly. which is why u should stop being lame and just come over when i ask
: if u woulda told me i could fuck u i would have
: i love getting head from u its great
: but its kinda a tease
: lol how is it a tease? i made you cum twice baby
: okay, here's the problem
: i really love giving head...so it's like unless a guy stops me, i go all the way with it
lol i know u love sucking cock your really good the way u work ur tongue damn
: but sometimes theres nothing better then a wet warm pussy
: yeah...pussy is amazing, i'm not gonna lie to u
: hoyl fuck
: i just remember it hink i kissed a girl tonight
: god damnit
: thats even hotter
: what teh eff. weren't we already facebook friends?
: we shoulda been
: weird
: whatev. i just added u
: lol good
: i wish i could describe the way pussy feels ha
: well u know all this talk is getting me a ltitle hot..
: yeah welcome tomy world
: i think i'm gonna dye my hair red likein my profile picture.
nice
we'll see
lol i'm glad you're finally not married on facebook
: why lol
: ummmm because i give amazing head, so if it's anyone u should be married to, it's probably me. i mean..why would u waste time on a dumb skank who can't give head?
: lol nice
: i like ur attitude
: i mean..u should really appreciate it.
: i do love when u make me cum
: yeah..it's pretty nice.
: fucking schnapps, i c an't believe i'm still this fucking wasted
: lol
: so waht video game are u playin? that gears of war stuff?
: yea
: i hate my life for not having an xbox.
: all the boys at school are playing that
: nice
: i can't believe ur not goin out for ur birthday
: meh
: i dont really care
: its just another day out of the yr
: but ur 21...
: which doesnt seem like a big deal...seing how i'm fucking drunk already
: but still
: lolk
: who cares really
: ur legal to drink
: whatever
: ive been doing it since high school
: yeah i know right
: that's because u could get away with looking like a 21 year old with ur effin bears hahahha
: wow..i mean beards
: its gone
: why's it gone
: i duno
: to itchy
: makes sense.
: i gotta go..time to get off before bed. seriously, come over tomorrow..
: why dont u let me come fuck u
: lol omg. why didnt u fucking come over when i asked u to at like fucking 11
: lol i didnt know we could fuck
: its fine
: another time
: not another time. tomorrow
: maybe
: fuck maybes. you're etiehr going to be playing that game or fucking me. u decide
: lol
: ok
: need to be talked to dirty to?
: that would be helpful
: text me b/c i gotta lay down before i pass teh fuck out
: k


then he texted me like two minutes later as I lay in bed, masturbating. He told me all kinds of things that he wanted to do now that he "knew we could fuck." Wanting to fuck my face, wanting to cum in me, wanting to cum on my chest, doing doggy style on my floor (ouch, carpet burns, going to have to figure that out), wanting me to suck him off then ride him....Pretty good ideas. After I hadnt answered for awhile, he said, "I assume you passed out, but remember, I want to be in that tight pussy of yours."

I didn't call him Saturday and he didn't call me. I don't know what's going on. I want to text him to tell him to come over tomorrow, but I don't know if I will. Maybe now that he knows I'm DTF, he'll start being less of a jackass. Although I'm not sure why he just assumed that I wasn't going to have sex with him? Maybe because when he was fingering me he thought I was really tight, which I am, but that doesn't mean I can't fuck you. And, to be honest, he's really not that big. He's a good size, decent girth, but other girls must have told him he's huge, or maybe he just really thinks he is haha. Whatever. I'll keep my huge amount of readers (sarcasm) updated. Maybe not until after my birthday, however. I plan on being very inebriated on Thursday since I already have my designated driving situation figured out and I know I won't have to spend any money on buying myself liquor.

We shall see.

Feel free to analyze the conversation.

Sleepless nights

I just masturbated twice in about 15-20 minutes and I still don't feel any release or even a subsiding in my sexual appetite. I'm just as horny as I was half an hour ago even though I came twice..
My arm is sore..why can't I find those batteries for my vibrator?! It looks like I'll have to make a trip to the local "toy" store, but then I feel like I'll buy something unnecessary there. I fucking hate these sleepless nights. I just want to be satisfied and I feel like no matter what I do, the result is always the same-brief periods of release and then I'm just as horny or even hornier than before. Parts of me, and I guess by parts I mean my pussy, wish that I had a FWB here at school so that I could call them and they could be here in five minutes. If only boys at my school looked like they actually washed their balls, maybe it would happen.

Fuck.

Tomorrow I'm celebrating my birthday a little early with some friends (some are underage, so they obviously can't go to the bars on my real birthday), which will probably only make the situation worse, but what the hell. I'm already going to go ahead and tell you that I'm 99% sure I'll invite douchebag over because I want to get laid. And I'll also probably tell you that he won't come over because Gears of War 2 just came out at midnight tonight.....and he already has it and is playing as we speak....I invite him over at 9:30pm one night and it's too late to come over and fuck, but it's almost 1:30am and he can play video games. I'm confused by his priorities...pussy...............video games..........pussy........video games.....pussy for an hour and then you can go home and play video games until your eyes bleed and your thumbs become permantently disjointed? I'm not in the mood for teasing. If douchebag comes over again, I'm fucking. He can say no..but he's really going to mean yes when I'm done. I'm so fucking horny that I don't think the size difference between us could even stop me. All his 6'5, 2...60? 250? 240? I'm not sure, but whatever it is, be damned, because I'm too pissed and too tired and too horny to give a fuck what he wants. It's about me, bitch.

I'm so exhausted that I feel almost drunk..so please excuse the ranting and move on to more intellectual posts (ok...well so maybe they're not really intellectual..)

Once again, with emphasis, Fuckkkkkkkk.

My first time

Today as I walked into the doors of my former elementary school, I felt a sense of pride and hope. Pushing the doors open to the gymnasium, I got the chills. Today, November 4th, 2008, would be my first time voting in a presidential election. As I pushed the computer screen to select my picks as president and vice-president of the United States of America, I smiled. I looked at all the people around me, some neighbors, some people whom I've never seen before, and felt a weird sense of community with them because we were all here to do our civic duty, and more so to fulfill a right and privilege given to us before or perhaps during our generations.

I knew that my vote may not be as important as some voters' selection in states such as Ohio or Pennsylvania, but knowing that didn't change the empowerment I felt after I stuck on my red and white "I voted!" sticker. I've known since the beginning that Obama would carry Illinois, just as most democrats always will, but I still loved the prospect of having my voice heard on a national, if minute, level.

I went the two blocks from my former school back to my home to eat some meatloaf, sneak some of my little sister's Halloween candy stash, and plop down in front of MSNBC to watch the election coverage. My sisters, dad, my older sister's boyfriend, and myself, talked about the election and when the polls would be closed and what time do we think the decision would be called. My sister and her boyfriend voted for McCain, and we discussed why they chose to vote for him and why I chose Obama. My sister's boyfriend called Obama a socialist and I rolled my eyes as I have for the past few months when ignorant buttheads try to use a big word like socialist that they don't even understand. I asked him what his definition of socialism was and he looked at me blankly. Of course. Why is it that people throw around these terms and accusations that they hear on some conservative website or talk radio show when they actually have no clue what they are talking about? Is it that much work to do a little of your own research and to form your own opinions? Anyone who says that Obama is a socialist should be immediately deported to China or Venezuela for a significant amount of time so that when they come back to America, they'll have a slightly more informed opinion. I mean, do people not realize that we're a capitalistic society, one of the first levels of Marx's steps to communism? Yes, we may have a few socialist principles, but we are by no means a socialist country. I'd even be hesitant to label any country in the world as a truly communist country. Heavily socialist, yes, communist, not so much. I guess it just sort of saddens me when I hear people regurgitate opinions that sound like they came from the mouth of Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter rather than their own minds. When I say people, I guess I'm actually referring to people in my generation rather than Americans as a whole. We're labeled as the "me" generation, as selfish, arrogant, iPod listening, iPhone carrying, give-me-my-venti-soy-chai latte-now-bitch, retards. Saying that a person like Barack Obama is a socialist is completely ignorant, especially when you can't define socialism or even capitalism. You make our whole generation look bad when you actually say things like, "Obama? He's a Muslim terrorist who's related to Saddam Hussein AND Osama Bin Laden! I'm not voting for that nigger!" Well, so we've established that Barack Obama is Iraqi, Saudi Arabian and of African descent by your previous statement? Give me a fucking break.

As a history major, I suppose lack of research is one of my pet peeves seeing as how I have to have a million primary sources and three billion secondary sources for each sentence I compile in a historiographical paper, one can probably see the reason for my annoyance. Are you that lazy that you can't spend an hour or so researching the presidential candidates of your country so that you can make an informed decision on election day rather than thinking because you're from the south you should vote Republican or that because you're a minority you should vote Democrat? No wonder our elders tsk-tsk us. No wonder my parents are worried about their futures. No wonder other countries laugh at us (although I dispute much of this, but I'll have to leave this to a post in which I talk about my experiences while I was in Europe). It's your right to get out and vote for whomever you chose, but I don't have to listen to your ignorance and nod my head when you say that you're disgusted by your fellow countrymen's choice for our next president. It's my right to call you on your bullshit and make you look very silly when you clearly don't know what you're talking about.

As for me, I'm very happy to call Barack Obama my president. I'm happy because I agree with his policies, because my country made history, and because Dick Cheney is probably the angriest man on the planet right now. Watch your faces everyone, you don't want good ol' Dick to come at you with a shotgun.....

Ok..and I wanna fuck.

Halloween has come and gone and we are now at 11 days until my 21st birthday. It seems kind of silly to be excited to turn 21 since I already drink, but I guess the thrill lies within being able to do so in a legal manner. For Halloween, several of my friends including Rambo, a skanky Girl Scout, a skanky tennis player, a librarian, Batman, a penguin, a few construction workers, and myself hit the bars. Many of the bars we went to were carding very strictly, so we did not stay long as some of us (me.......and two others) were not of age quite yet. I mean, am I really going to gain so much maturity in the next week or so that I would do something differently in regards to my actions? I doubt it.

After the bar scene, we went to this chick's house, who I don't know, but one of my friends does and she said it was cool to come over. Well, it was a different story when we got there. We had stopped off at a liquor store to purchase some whiskey, Amaretto, sweet & sour mix, pomegranite Schnapps, and some beer. Needless to say, we were prepared to make our own drinks and share with guests. Upon entering her house, which we thought was going to be packed with people, we all felt a weird sense of not belonging. This was further perpetuated by the hostess, or reluctant hostess I should say, looking at my friends and me up and down, then storming off to the garage with a guy who had led us to her house. We looked around at each other and the four other people who we didn't know as we poured our drinks.

Prior to this, our mutual friend of the reluctant hostess had told us that reluctant hostess is 24, cheating on her husband with an 18 year old, and loves to have people over. Hmm. When we arrived, there was a total of five people at reluctant hostess' house and they were playing beer pong. Sounds like a real fucking party, huh? We poured our drinks in silence as we tried to figure out why reluctant hostess was being such a cunt. After she gave me the death stare and said, "What are these people fucking 16?" we decided that we probably shouldn't be there. I chugged my drink and turned to my friends, "Um, I think cradle robber over there would prefer if we leave...so follow my lead?" We walked out without saying our goodbyes and I was tempted to pee in her lawn, very classy I know. Our mutual friend tried to smoothe the situation over, but it was useless, the awkwardness was a buzz kill and none of us wanted to party with that bitch anymore. It's a good thing, too, because her husband (who travels alot) came home Surprise! and a lot of drama followed. God has a funny way of working things out, right?

We all drove back to school to get drunk in the dorms since the party at the football house had gotten busted long before. I was a little disappointed with my plans, so I took some shots of whiskey to forget about the turnout of the night. An hour later I was wandering to the bathroom and almost peed myself because I couldn't get the door to lock, but I made it, just barely. As college girls do, we began documenting our night via digital cameras. I reviewed some of them after I pranced around, giving everyone a free show because my skirt had ridden up a bit. What's a little flash of skin between good friends though? Around 1am I sauntered back to my room, hoping that none of my residents would see me sneak in. I was unsuccessful, but the resident that talked to me is one of my favorites, so I'm pretty sure she won't report me to my boss.

I got in my room and plopped onto my bed, not wanting to change or take off my makeup. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and cursed myself as I scrolled through my contacts list and hit send when it landed on Douchebag's name and number. He answered on the third ring, "Hey girl, whatcha doing?"
"Just got back from a little get together...what are you doing?"
"At a party, too. It's pretty gay though. No one knows what I'm dressed up as."
"What are you dressed up as?"
"That guy from Hot Fuzz...I thought it would be funny."
I have to admit that I don't know what he's talking about here, I've heard of the movie and everything, but I'm not familiar with it enough to know what character he's talking about, so I moved on.."So...do you wanna come over later?" I asked.
"Probably, yeah. Can I sleep there? And if you sleep on the floor again I'm going to be fucking pissed."
I laughed, but would have preferred if he didn't sleep over. I do enjoy sprawling out when I sleep and that's barely possible with just me in my bed.
"No, I won't sleep on the floor, I promise."
"Okay, I'm going to leave soon. I'll see you a little later tonight, baby."

I hung up and pulled myself out of bed to go brush my teeth. When I came back, I saw my phone lighting up and buzzing around on my bed. Call? No, it was a text message from Dbag. I thought it was going to say something like, "I can't wait to fuck you," or, "I can't wait to feel your mouth on my cock." It didn't say anything like that. It said, "I can't make it tonight...I'm stuck downtown, tomorrow night?"
What?!! No. Not tomorrow night. Now, motherfucker.
"I want you so bad right now, and I don't have work in the morning. Come over tonight," I replied.
"I wish I could.."
"Yeah..so does my pussy. If you wanna come tomorrow, I guess let me know before midnite."
"Ok..and I want to fuck," he said. Really? Because you certainly don't seem like it.
"Well, we'll see what happens if and when you come over."
"I can't take the teasing."
I laughed at that. I'm the tease? I'm pretty sure I made you fucking cum twice without even bitching to you about how I didn't orgasm. That's rare, douche, be thankful.
"What? You're the tease. I was totally ready when I asked you over earlier this week...twice."
"It's just you didn't give me any heads up, you know? I'll stay up late when I know I have to," he said. That was kind of true. I asked him over at like 9:30 and he has to get up for work early..
"Excuses, excuses. Like I said, you let me know if you want to come over tomorrow kind of early so I don't fuck myself over for Sunday."

He didn't reply back. He didn't contact me on Saturday. I mean I know I'm not the dumbass here. I'm not the only that's stopping anything from happening. Why can't he just come over and make me come, dammit!! One orgasm, that's it. I'll be happy for awhile with that. It's pretty obvious he's not interested, isn't it? That's so pitiful to write out. I ask myself why I care, but I know it's because I'm horny and not attracted to anyone else right now. If there was another prospect, I probably would have stopped talking to Douchebag already, but there's not. Girls outnumber guys at my school at about 9:1 and of those guys that actually go here, about 5% of them are attractive to me. Of that 5%, 4% are in a comitted relationship. That leaves me 1%. Just one. A single little lonely itsy bitsy one-percent. And they have their pick of the litter really because there's so much fucking pussy at this school that you'd think it was a convent.

I just want some action, for fuckssake. We already hooked up twice, fucktard, why won't you just hook up with me again when I want to? Is that the reason...do you feel the need to dictate when and how we hook up? Because honestly, if that's the problem, fine...I'll do it on your terms, just as long as your terms are relatively consistent...and by consistent I mean daily. Okay, that might be excessive, but minimum 4x weekly. Here's a girl, telling you that she wants to hook up with you, suck your cock, rub your balls, swallow your cum, while NOT being your girlfriend.....and you're turning it down? I mean I know I'm not fucking Angelina Jolie or anything, but I'm not disgusting. What's the problem? Guys talk about girls being hesitant, but good fucking Lord, let's get this thing going. I set you up for the kill and you whiffed. A few times. Am I making it too easy by not giving you a chase? I don't have any of the answers. All I know is that I want some action and you're lucky enough that I want it from you. Can't you just accept that this can work so well if you'd just let it?

End venting session....