I can't stop. I know I should, but when I try, it never lasts. I texted Douchebag..you can virtually punch me in the forehead because I totally deserve it. I didn't say what I wanted to say, or even what I should have said. I can't say what I want to say because I'm too afraid. Some part of me is reasoning that whatever I get from him is better than nothing, but the other more reasonable part of me is shaking her head and tapping her stiletto pumps in knowing.
"I need to get off...talk dirty to me?" That's what I said. What I really wanted to say was, "What the fuck is your problem? Are you bi-polar? If you are, it's cool, just let me know so I don't feel like an asshole when you reject me for the 78308356th time. "
"Let me hear you talk dirty," he said. No. That's not what I wanted. I wanted you to do all the talking so that I could for one second pretend like I could rely on you for something.
"This wouldn't be a problem if you had come over the other day."
"You never called." Oh, no. No. No. No. He didn't go there. He really didn't. I'm pretty sure I sent you a text to leave your house at 8:30....oh wait, I just checked my sent messages, I definitely sent you a text saying that. That doesn't even piss me off anymore, whatever.
"Umm...I sent you a text, but whatever. You can make it happen next time you wanna come over," I said, attempting to diffuse the situation that I got myself into. He didn't respond for a good ten minutes, so I sent him a version of what I really wanted to originally say.
"If you don't wanna hook up, it's cool. Just let me know so I can stop trying and shit," I shook my head after I hit send because I wanted to barf at how I was acting. I'm not this girl. I'm not this desperate piece of ass that gets attached like this. I'm confident and I'm intelligent and I'm independent. And I'm lying if I say that he didn't get to me. He gets to me because I let him and because I make up excuses for the shit he does and blame it on how bad I want him sexually. I know I do this, but I can't break away. I'll tell myself that I won't text him or call him or leave a very cliche away message that is obviously meant for him. But, I will. Probably.
"I already did hook up with you. Why would I want to stop? I was waiting on you," he replied. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I told you to come over and fuck me, but it didn't happen. I wanted to ask him if he was afraid of something, but I didn't. I lied earlier when I said I was confident, I guess. I'm confident in some ways, but definitely not in all ways. Give me a dick and I'll be the closest thing to Jenna Jameson that you'll probably ever get. Give me emotions and I'm a sucker who immediately looks for the closest and easiest escape.
"Well...there's no waiting on my part. You can come over whenever you wanna," I told him. Fuck, that was terrible. Wasn't that terrible? I forgot that he didn't respond because I was masturbating. I had a hard time making myself come that night. It finally happened but I didn't feel any release. I just got instantly horny again after my clit regained its relative consciousness. He never responded and I don't know what to do. Scratch that, I know there's nothing I could do. I can't make him want me. I'm kind of tired of trying. How many ways does a girl have to tell you that she WILL fuck you if you come over?
Maybe that's why he's not coming over. Am I putting too much pressure on him to have sex? I mean, we don't have to have sex, but....okay, well, I'd like to so I can get it out of my system. Maybe I'm scaring him away. Maybe he can't handle me. But if that was the case, why wouldn't he just tell me that he doesn't want to hook up. I gave him the opening for it. I thought I was doing the right thing by not playing these coy, high school games of cat and mouse. Maybe I should tease him, not guarantee him the fantasticness of my sensuality. Is it really coming to that, this game playing? Why can't two adults just bang and if it goes well, set something up to further the relationship?
Too many questions, I know. There's no real answer to any question in life. There's only philosophizing the realities in life. I can reason my way out of feeling rejected by his flaws, but what if it's because of mine?
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I'm going to virtual slap you, but not because you contacted him again. It's because you're thinking it's your flaws that has caused it. There are guys who want just sex, and there are guys who want an actual relationship.
This problem with this dumbass is you are open to EITHER. If he wanted to just fuck, you'd go for it, quite happily. If he wanted a more meaningful relationship, you'd do that, if it were right. So I can conclude a few possbilities.
- He's gay
- He's married
- He's actually just going behind your back and laughing to his friends about being able to fuck with you and your self-esteem
- He's gay
- He's just a playa'
- He thinks he's all that and you should be happy to be able to wait for an awesome guy with such a huge penis and wonderful personality as himself
- He's really really goddamn nervous and actually likes you.
- He's gay
Stop blaming yourself. Even if it is something you did, do you really want a guy that can't put up with you and all of your awesomeness? The sex wasn't all that amazing, he's an emotional dumbass, so the only two conclusions are it's pride or it's a feeling of something better. Either you just want him because he messed you up, or you really feel some potential. Just from what I know, I pick the former.
So, SLAPP!!!!!11oneoneone!1
Don't beat yourself up. Let a handsome penis do it for you.
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