I'm considering writing to the creator of Facebook and telling him that his creation is the source of all evil. It's impossible not to stalk people on Facebook as their every move is documented to you when you sign into your account. Their status updates, their pictures, their comments on other people's walls, and their relationship status updates. Guess which one gets the most attention?
I signed on this past weekend and saw that Douchebag's relationship status had changed from single to "in a relationship and it's complicated." Well. Seeing as how Douchebag told me that he didn't want a girlfriend right now, you could imagine my surprise, right? I wasn't even really that surprised. It figures, I mean I did nickname him Douchebag on my blog for a reason, didn't I?
So I guess his whole "I don't want a committment" really meant "I don't want a committment with you." It kind of hurt me for about an hour or two because my instant thought was what did I do wrong, was I not good enough? Will I ever be good enough? Why not me, why not now, why not with him? I'm sure there's answers to these questions, but the questions aren't really the issue, I suppose.
Maybe I'm too good for him. Maybe I deserve better. Maybe I'm holding out for something amazing because I deserve it and won't stop until I find it. Maybe some subconscious impression influenced him to think that I wasn't girlfriend material, or maybe I figured that a guy who couldn't make me cum (twice) wasn't worth my time. I won't lie and say that it hasn't affected me because it has. Part of me still is thinking about the whys or hows.
Honestly the biggest issue I have with this is that now I have to look for new options for hookups, not that he was even that great of an option, but at least it was something and I had a history with him. I'm going home this weekend for Thanksgiving and I might hit the bars to scan for something, but it seems almost sleazy to do that. Most of my peers seem to find love so easily, my closest friends here are all in relationships...actually, significant, long-term relationships. Sometimes I feel like the odd man out because I'm the single one who isn't in love and gushing about how fucking amazing my boyfriend is and how awesome his mom and dad are and how they can't wait for us to get married and make gorgeous, chubby little babies. I'm fucking 21, I don't need a man to make me whole, it would be a nice addition, but I'm not desperate for a serious relationship, mostly because I want to experience life by myself for awhile without having to share it with someone. Call it selfish, call it smart, call it immature.
But, with that being said, I do sometimes want a warm body to cuddle up to. Sometimes I want to send dirty texts during my 3 hour lecture that makes me want to stick needles in my eyes. I want a guy to hookup with, but who respects me for my choice that hooking up may be all I want for awhile. Am I asking too much, or not enough?
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2 comments:
When I date women, I will always be kind enough to let them know if they're not my type. I'm very specific about it in the first few dates.
If I'm just having sex with someone, regularly, I would also let them know if there was something missing from the bedroom. For me, my previous FWB was great because she teased enough, and I told her "If I don't text you to come over as much as you text me, then hold back until I do." When that relationship finally ended (due to her finding a great guy and me wanting her to fulfill herself with him), it was mutual. Even though she was sleeping with him, I was, too, in the beginning. Eventually, I stopped asking her to swing over at 9 at night, and then she asked me straight up if that part was ending. She took the hint.
I'm really, really sorry you're having problems finding good lovers. It shocks me when my gal pals or my lovers tell me they can't find decent men to just have sex with, or to even just cuddle with. Then again, so many girls are frigid right now that it doesn't surprise me, I guess.
Have you considered hitting some places that are a little "higher end" than your usual place? Instead of the $1 PBR bars, how about going somewhere where you can find a decent, younger man instead of a younger boy? Skip Conti and Cobra and Estelle's or wherever it is you're hanging, and find a guy with some nice shoes who smiles.
Then again, that guy might just be me, so warn me in advance ;)
As for your friends, they are "ready" for love. You aren't. I'll tell you now that it's probably wiser to go your route with lonely nights than to jump into a "forever and ever" relationship before you're ready.
I think part of you is worried you did something wrong, part is worried he did something wrong, part is worried you actually might care about him, part of you is worried you pity fucked him, part of you are worried you used him, part is worried that he may have been the one, part is worried you may have missed the one while you were sucking that loser's cock.
I think (and you may want to just turn away) that you got into this because you wanted a teddy bear vibrator. Something to cuddle up with, maybe fuck, then kick out of your house. But you mistook that for.....something. So when he leaves (we'll get to his faults in a moment) you think you lose more than you set out for, and ultimately lost. Now what did you lose? A Douchebag. A man who wasn't a teddy bear, or a vibrator. Or even a brick.
What he was looking for, you may never know. Whatever it is, you can only hope he finds it, because if he doesn't realize what he's missing with you, then the worst punishment you can give him is letting him have some snaggletoothed (yes, I just said snaggletooth. Big Whoop, D'yeh wanna fight about it?) girl who gives inferior head to you. And maybe he will be happy in the end with snaggletooth. But he may have been happier now with you.
The truth is, you aren't too good for him for life. He isn't too good for you, by any means. You're too good for him now, though.
As for your friends, I am positive there are times, maybe the majority of the time, they wish they weren't in those relationships. That they just could fuck and drink and forgoe responsibility (because that's very very fun). Just like there are times you wish you could be in those. But there are times where you look at them and go "FUCK no I do not want to have listen to this person snore next to me for all eternity". And times where they look at you and are glad they do, because it's stability.
Life to me is a constant war between Stability and Monotony. The perfect balance usually takes years and years to achieve. And when you see people who look like they have it, they usually aren't really happy. I think that's worse than knowing you are unhappy. Tricking yourself into thinking you are, because you don't try to do it when you think you're happy. Not saying nobody has their shit together by your age. But those that do, both of them. They're lucky bastards.
It'll happen when it happens. "This too shall pass, bitch about it in the present."
Happy Thanksgiving.
Greg
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