Tears of Joy

Earlier tonight, a few friends and I gathered around to talk about our weekends. I shared my stories of being a drunken idiot for most of the past four days, and asked one of my best friends, who shares my birthday, how his weekend of his 21st birthday was. "Good. Went home. Saw the grandparents. Got engaged," he said nonchalantly. When the word engaged came from his mouth, I immediately grabbed his fiance, my other best friend here at school, and we started crying as we embraced. I couldn't believe that I was crying. I'm usually not a sap, but I guess when two people are so close to you and they make such a life changing decision, it's normal to have an emotional reaction. I asked how he proposed and hugged him as I was still crying, even more so now that I knew how romantically he had done it. It was perfect for them. The ring is absolutely gorgeous and really suits her well. I'm so happy for them that words can't even describe it.

As the newly engaged couple informed some other friends, I could see how different peoples' reactions were. One of our friends smiled, but you could see it wasn't genuine. I knew that she was happy for them, but at the same time, I knew she was thinking about her boyfriend who she's been with for six years and how they were supposed to get engaged but he blew all the money he'd been saving for a ring. I guess it's hard to watch people around you get a ring when you want that more than anything, but aren't sure if it's going to happen or when it's going to happen. As for me, I can't see myself getting engaged or even dating someone seriously in the near future. It doesn't make me sad or anything to say that, it is what it is, but sometimes I wonder if other people judge me by my singleness. It's not that I hate men or that I have a fear of commitment or anything, it's just that I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to be in a relationship because there is a lot going on in my life and I'm unsure of many things so I don't think it would be fair to try to commit myself to another person at this time. Plus, I don't want to close myself off from other options (for lack of a better word). For example, one of the reasons I wouldn't date Douchebag, even if he wanted to, is because I don't want to have to say no to other guys. I wouldn't hookup with other guys while douchebag and I are doing whatever we're doing, but I would break things off with him completely if I found someone better (again, for lack of a better word). I think he feels the same way about me, and I understand it. I'm 21, I want to have fun. I want to have a one night stand, I want to have drunken, sloppy, passionate, teeth-and-nail-marks sex. I'm not saying that can't happen with someone you love, but for me at this moment, it wouldn't happen with someone I love.

Speaking of Douchebag, there's yet another story involving him. Last night I went out with a few girlfriends to a local bar for some drinks and just to have a good night. We spent a few hours there then drove to another bar where my cousin and some of his friends were at. By this point, I was pretty drunk and knew my friend had to leave, so I was going to be the only girl in a big sausage-fest of a night. We went back to my cousin's house to play some pool and drink a little more. Luckily, my aunt was there, so she protected somewhat from the verbal assault I was receiving for being on my phone with Douchebag instead of hanging out with the guys. In a weird way, I forgot how fun it is to hang out with just the guys, not competing for their attention, not looking to hookup with them, but just genuinely hanging out with them and having a good time. Anyways, Douchebag texted me a few hours after I invited him over, saying he couldn't come out tonight because he was too drunk to drive. According to my sent messages folder on my phone, I told him, "Oh fuck you, that's retarded." Then when he didn't answer quickly enough, "Fine. It'll be someone else then. Later." That got his attention. "Well why can't you come get me?" I told him I was drunk, too and that I was with a bunch of guys and they said they wouldn't drive to bring another guy over to the house. This must have pissed him off further because he called me at this point. I went in my cousin's bedroom for some privacy, but got harassed nonetheless. Douchebag asked if I wanted to hookup with any of the guys there. I told him not really, that I wanted him and that I'm sick of him playing these high school games of cat and mouse. He said he didn't understand and that he wants to fuck me, but he doesn't know when it's okay to come over and when it's not. I told him whatever and that I'm always the one to ask him over and it makes me feel like a piece of shit. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but I know he said that if he could make it out there, I'd be getting fucked tonight. Well, I got home around 4am and crashed. When I awoke, there was nothing from him, nor did I really expect there to be.

Meanwhile, another guy friend had texted me a lot that night. He was clearly drunk, but I still talked to him now and again through the night. I feel like we're in reversed situations. He wants me like I want douchebag, and douchebag doesn't want me like I don't want this other guy. He's texted me a few times today but I haven't really answered since I'm not interested. It wouldn't make a difference anyway right now because he's in Texas for school, a little bit too far away.

I feel that douchebag only wants me when he's drunk, but the only time I contact him usually is when I'm drunk, too. Do I do that so that if he says no, I don't care that much? I have no idea.