Hypocrisy, I tell you! Hypocrisy!

So maybe I'm a hypocrite. I just got out of the shower and turned my iTunes on because I like to listen to music while lotioning myself up and all that good stuff. I started in the "p" region, and then Queen's "Somebody to Love" came on. I haven't heard that song in quite awhile, so it made me pause when it came on. At first I was just listening and rocking out, but then I began thinking about my life. I guess Queen will do that for you. A majority of my friends are in relatively serious relationships and I am single. Usually I don't really think about things like this, but maybe the song just got to me for some reason. My best friend is single, but she lives a life that comes quite close to a real life "Sex & the City." At least as close as a twenty year old Chicago girl can get to living a SATC life. She has a good job in downtown Chicago, she's absolutely gorgeous, not even the everyday normal type gorgeous, she's exotic gorgeous-the kind that makes a person wonder what nationality she is. She commutes daily on the train, talks to important Chicagoans daily, and frequently gets asked out by quasi-celebrities and sometimes even real celebrities (I won't name names, but think everyone from rappers to football players). She gets taken out to dinners where the tab is upwards of $600. If she wasn't my best friend, I might be tempted to hate her. However, I know her so well that I know she deserves the best and deserves to have fun.

On the other hand, I am a bit jealous. Do I want to find somebody to love, like the Queen song? I don't really know. Basically, I just want to have insane amounts of sex. That's the thought that always crosses my mind when I talk to guys. Hmm...I wonder how he tastes. I bet he's great in the sack. He looks like he'd be a good fuck. This isn't love talk. This is fuck talk. Have I become deluded into thinking that fucking leads to love? I'm not really sure. I'd like to be in love again (yes, I have been in love before) but I don't know if I want to give someone a big piece of me at this point in my life. I'm not a cheater, I wouldn't get drunk and hookup with someone while in a relationship or anything like that...it's just that, well, I want to have all the perks of being in a relationship and none of the hassles. I want someone to hang out with and enjoy common interests with, and of course have sex with, but I don't want someone who would get upset with me for choosing to hang out with my friends over them, or someone who would get pissed if I forgot to call them back in the same day. I want my cake and I want to eat it, too, damnit. I want to have fun and I want to be able to do what I want to do. I don't want to have to think about another person's reactions to my actions right now. But then, even as I type this, I question myself. Maybe I do want someone to care about my ingrown toenail, or that my parents are having a fight...but on the other hand....See, there's always an other hand. Fuckers. There shouldn't be two of you!

Maybe what I really want is for someone to love me unconditionally without having to love them back. Is that horrible? See, I told you I was a cunt. Am I jaded at the age of twenty? That would suck. Most of the time I just think it's the constant lovey-dovey relationships that are getting thrown in my face. Ahh, stoppppppit. Good, I'm glad you're happy together, keep it to yourself for fucksake! Sonsofbitches. See, this is what makes me mean...kinda.

After the Queen song, "Somebody to Love," another "Q" band came on. Queensryche's "I Don't Believe in Love," Ironic?