I'm drowning

Today I looked at my school's course schedule for the Summer and Fall 2009 terms. Since my second semester of freshmen year, I have either taken 18-19 credit hours per semester, and during four of these semesters, I have had to complete an honors contract in four courses that is a requirement to be in the honor society of which I am a part of. Honors contracts mean doing 10% more work than the average student, but sometimes teachers have a hard time gauging what is an appropriate amount of extra work.

I'm saying all this because I'm about three seconds away from having a full on panic attack. Next year will be my senior year of college and I am struggling to work out a plan that will allow me to graduate next May. As far as I can tell, thanks to the many general education requirements that my liberal arts school has, I will need to take 9 credit hours this summer so that I don't overwhelm myself while I do my first round of student teaching in the fall. 9 credit hours during the summer translates to roughly $4,050; $450 per credit hour. Add in an extra $200 because two of the classes are online and about another $200 for books and I'm looking at being forced to take out a $4,600 loan for the fucking summer. Not to mention my already existing loans, which last time I checked will render me at least $42,000 in debt (including interest) by the time I graduate. Oh, but I get a six month grace period before I have to start making payments...how generous of the loan company.

I'm flipping out. The economy sucks, I probably won't have an college experience related job prospects in the education field when I graduate, meaning that I'll be living in my parents' house, trying to put every penny I earn towards paying off my student loans because I don't want to get married or have kids before I can get my loans paid off. The way it looks now, if I pay 6% of my loan each month (roughly $2500) (This is me assuming that I can get a job that will pay at least $38,000 annually) then I will be able to pay off my loan in 15-16 months......but realistically that won't happen at all.

I've never felt so much pressure about something that I can't control in my life. I can't help that my parents didn't save money for my college. I can't help that I got sick during high school and my grades weren't stellar, thus reducing my academic scholarships from my school. I can't help that my school doesn't look at academic scholarships on a yearly basis, thus making my college grades insignificant in regards to financial aid rewards.

I feel like I'm being strangled by the real world and that this feeling is what impending adulthood will be all about. I've never felt so broke, helpless, and unstable. My car won't start, I have to find a summer job dealing with teaching/watching kids so that I can write that on my resume next year, I have to pass my content test with flying colors so I don't have to pay another $100 to take the fucker again in a few months. The list could go on, but I don't really want it to. Oh, and I'm not getting any action. Awesome. I want to go to sleep and wake up 18 again and just starting college without a care in the world. I want to wake up with someone that can support me financially, emotionally, and physically. I want to wake up to something different. And I'm trying really hard not to turn back to cutting to help me ease the stress.