Adults at the water park

I spent this past weekend at a friend's house along with a few other guests. Our main goal was to spend all of Saturday at the water park having fun and getting a nice tan. At least I accomplished both. No one else got a tan besides me, well actually it's not a tan yet...but it will be. The day started bright and early which promised that I would be a bitch at some point in the day since I am absolutely not a morning person. I'm not even a late morning person, I'm an afternoon/evening type of girl at best, and even then I'm still a bitch. We got to the water park at around 10:30 am, just a half hour after it opens for the day and it was already packed. I saw little children running around barefoot and looked down at my pedicured toes in horror at the immediate danger of contagious warts and other foot fungi that had to be lurking around here somewhere, most likely everywhere. I took a deep breath and ventured forward with my buddies to find a place to set our stuff. We found a spot in the grass and staked our claim. My first move was to the lazy river. There really isn't anything quite like a lazy river. You get to tan, refresh, and lounge in a nice, flowing water of gorgeousness. Unfortunately, a few little snots tried their damned best to ruin my lazy river excursion. There I was, ass fitted into the tube, lazily checking out the lifeguards when these three little fuckers came up behind me, causing me to spin around. I contained myself because I thought, well they just got to the water park, they're excited....and they're children....children..should not yell at children... I took another lap in the lazy river to calm myself when I heard the same little bastards yelp and splash. Jesus fucking Christ, it's too fucking early for me to deal with children. This time they weren't even in the tube, they were running with the tube under their armpits. They got right in front of me and I sighed with relief until I got a mouthful of water when the fuckers started kicking their legs and splashing around. My friends were laughing because I was getting visibly pissed. I contained myself, however. I'm very proud for not dunking those fuckers and I think God was watching me and nodding with approval as I got out of the lazy river.

Next was the wave pool. Wave pools are fun because it's like you have the fun of the ocean or nice lake without all the sharks or dead fish. I went in with three of my friends and we giggled like school girls on the last day of school as the waves started to slap over us. That's when I felt it. It felt like slime with pubic hair as I gasped in horror. I saw my friend's eyes bulge and look beyond me. I turned around to see a very large man, about 55-65, hairy as an ape, brushing against me. Oh dear Lord!! If I get penetrated in any way, shape, or form I'm gonna be pissssssssssed. My friends and I swam away to deeper water hoping to avoid the large, hairy man. We weren't very successful. While swimming/trying to stay above the 6 foot waves, two little girls swam in front of me, cutting me off from my friends like they were driving on Lake Shore Drive during rush hour. Yet again, I contained myself. They're just trying to stay alive, like you. I caught up with my friends as I struggled to doggie paddle my way to the side of the gigantic pool. We were holding onto a ladder laughing about the hairy man and insane amount of people who should not being wearing bikinis. I heard a whistle's chirp, so I looked around hoping to see some drama, like maybe hairy man being escorted out of the water park. It wasn't; disappointing, I know. This chick lifeguard who looked like she drank about 7 protein shakes a day yelled something in my direction. I tilted my head like a dog because I couldn't hear what the fuck she was saying. She stomped over to me and I almost peed my pants. "Get off the ladder! No holding the ladder!" SheMan yelled at me.

By this time I was feeling pretty mean. You understand right? Between seeing kids prance around with their nasty feet all over, hairy man trying to anally rape me, SheMan giving me a warning that almost made me shit myself, and water up my nose, I lost control of my short leash on my meanness. I needed a fruity treat or alcohol. There was none to be had. I bit my lip and vowed to stick it out for the sake of my friends' good time. I mean they had a water roller coaster somewhere, so it couldn't be all bad.

At the end of the day, several more incidents, and lunch, I was eager to get back to my friend's house. But I did learn my lesson. These commercial water parks are not for adults, they are for kids and people who have kids. Adult water parks take the form of places like hot tubs, and "romantic" retreats like Sybaris. From now on, I'm going to designate places that are "kid-friendly" as a no go for me..at least for now. If I have to hear one more mom shout out for their precious little child eight times in a row, I'm gonna have a real bitch fit and it ain't gonna be pretty.