Updates

It's been awhile since I've posted because I have actually had a life lately. This weekend my friend is having a get together at his place, so I'm excited for that. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away so I'll be staying there for the weekend. When I heard about the plans I was really excited, but then I started to think about the guest list, which includes two couples, including the host and his girlfriend, and then me. We're all mutual friends and have been since before the four got into their relationships, but now I feel a little odd about this because I will be the only one there without a significant other. Usually I don't really care about having a boyfriend for such a reason, but this time I do. I feel like I'm at the point where it's still socially acceptable to go to events like this single, but at the same time, people might think that I'm a fifth wheel or tag on, or even someone that can't get some poor son of a bitch to go with her to friendly gatherings. I'm tempted to bring a weekend date, but that would be awkward and it would fuck up the whole group dynamic or some psychoanalytical bullshit like that. Uhhhh I hate when nonsensical shit like this floats into my mind when I have already psyched myself up into having a good time. Today, it's a friend's weekend gathering, in a few years, it'll be going solo to a wedding. Life is moving a little bit too fast and I don't have anyone to drag along for the ride right now. I want someone to uncomplicate my complexities without annoying me or impeding my lifestyle the way it is right now. And now I'm hearing my mother's voice in my head saying, "Maybe you're making yourself unavailable because you don't want someone to break down your wall." Well, no fucking shit, didn't I build that wall for a reason?

God, how I hate being cliche at these moments.