February Confusion

My Valentine's Day sucked, thanks for asking. I worked in the afternoon and talked to Rocker for about an hour during work. He told me happy Valentine's Day and all, but didn't ask me out or anything like I had hoped he would. I asked what he was doing tonight, hopefully hinting at our meeting up, but he had plans with bromance, who lives a few hours away. Whatever. I was disappointed and it was hard to hide. He asked me what was wrong, but I didn't say what I was feeling and assured him that I was fine and that I'd talk to him later that night. He texted me when he left bromance's house and told me he'd call me when he got home. I never heard from him the rest of the night, even after I sent him a picture message of me wearing this lacey black little number with my hand strategically placed by my crotch.

I was sad that I didn't hear from him and it made me suspicious because of the previous incident of him telling the online world that he had a girlfriend. Various scenarios ran through my head and they all included him playing me. I imagined him being with his girlfriend and having his phone turned off so she wouldn't know I texted him. I got more pissed as the night went on and then finally fell asleep. I woke up around 11am with a text message from him saying, "That pic you sent me almost made me crash." Hmm...so you got the picture while you were driving, but just decided not to respond? Right. He knew something was wrong with my short responses and I told him that I was just sad that I hadn't heard from him last night. He apologized and told me that he passed out when he got home. Yeah, right. I haven't heard from him since, apparently he is working at the bar, but I don't even know if I trust that. I have a feeling that something isn't quite right and I don't know what it is, or maybe I'm just denying what I think it is.

Like I said in my other post, he's usually talking to me all the time, which makes it even more suspicious when I don't hear from him for a day when I usually talk to him 4-5 times a day. Maybe I'm being too suspicious or maybe I'm just being smart. I know if I ask him he will tell me that he's not dating anyone, but will I believe it? I can't start something with someone whom I don't trust, but I feel like something already has started between us. I'm getting too attached to someone that I don't even know and it's making me feel ridiculous.

In other great news, I went over to my aunt's house tonight for dinner. After we ate, she asked me to go outside with her and talk. I had no idea what it would be about, surely nothing serious, but I was completely wrong. I knew it was going to be bad when she started out, "So, I don't really know how to approach you about this." Oh, fuck. What now? This aunt and I have always been pretty close, but it wasn't like I told her everything about my life or she told me stuff about hers, so I really had no idea what this would be about. Enter Facebook. My aunt recently requested me as a Facebook friend and I accepted, thinking nothing of it. I wrote a note that had been going around Facebook about 25 things that your friends might not know about you. My aunt had read it and she told me that it really hurt her, not that she was hurt by anything it said, but that she was hurt for me. I didn't really know what she was talking about. I didn't write anything that significant about it. I soon figured out the two things that had gotten to her: One was my statement that the first boy I ever truly cared about broke my heart and the second person to break my heart was my dad. I didn't mention in the note that my dad broke my heart because he cheated on my mom, I just left it open-ended. The next statement that got to her was when I said that I know next to nothing about my paternal grandparents (Her parents) and that I was fine with that.

I knew when she told me that she was upset about that that this was going to be a long conversation. My mom and my paternal grandparents have never really gotten along from what I remember. My mom says that my grandma tried to pay my dad $500 not to marry my mom and that's where the trouble begins. For as long as I can remember, there has been animosity between my grandma and my mom and it has only gotten worse over the years. My older sister and I were the first grandchildren that my paternal grandparents had and they spoiled us for a long time until my cousins started being born. After their births, especially my aunts giving birth, it seemed like my sisters and I weren't important anymore. I remember going to my mom and asking why grandpa and grandma didn't love us anymore. The relationships between us seemed to disintegrate after that. My sisters and I didn't frequent their house as much anymore and grandpa and grandma never really stopped by. By the time my maternal grandma moved in with us due to her failing health, I didn't really care that I didn't have a relationships with my paternal grandparents because I felt as if my maternal grandma loved me enough for both of them. To make a long story short, I only saw my paternal grandparents on Christmas Eve and Easter even though they live in the same town as I do and are often at my aunt's house, who lives a block away from us. I never really gave it much more thought than accepting what my mom said had happened between them.

When my aunt started talking to me tonight, she told me that she knows there's three sides to every story and she's not asking me to not believe what my mom has said, but to try and see other perspectives, too. I just nodded because if I start to talk when I'm feeling a lot of emotions all I do is start crying and can't form coherent sentences. It's really annoying and I wish I could be a pretty cryer, but I'm not. My nose runs, my eyes turn red, and my face puffs up. I'm not a graceful cryer in any way. She continued, telling me that she understands where grandma is coming from and where my mom is coming from because she's been exposed to both sides. She encouraged me to make contact with my grandma and try and get to know her because she knows that my grandma would love to get to know me. I just kind of nodded again, thinking that if my grandma was so interested in getting to know me that she would have made the effort to come and see my college once in three years of being here or would have stopped by my house once in a great while instead of zipping past my street and going to my aunt's house 10 seconds away. Resentment bubbled out of me because I felt like it wasn't my responsibility to foster a relationship with my grandparents, it should have come naturally.

My aunt agreed that it wasn't my responsibility to talk to her and get to know her, but said that they wouldn't be around forever and didn't want me to regret not getting to know them while I had the chance. I could see her point in that, but I told her that my mom would without a doubt feel betrayed if I did this. My aunt said that she didn't need to know about it, but I could never keep anything from my mom, I respect her too much to ever do something and feel like I have to hide it from her. Nothing is worth hurting my mother for. My aunt continued, telling me little tidbits of information that evoked some sympathy for my grandma. Like I said before, I literally know nothing about her. I know her middle name and maiden name, but that's about it. Oh, and I know that she was born on the day that Pearl Harbor happened. Literally that is all I could tell you about her. My aunt told me how she was beaten as a kid a lot and how her dad had held a gun to one of her sister's heads when she was a kid and begged him to kill her instead of her sister. She also told me how other shit happened with my jaja (Polish for grandpa and my great-grandma's 2nd husband) and that it was a lot to deal with for a kid. I understood it, but I didn't make excuses for her. My mom had a terrible childhood that involved being raped by her father many times and then having my grandma not believe her, but somehow she still managed to be a loving person. I compared these two women in my head and I couldn't help but give my mom favor, bias or not.

We then talked about my grandpa being an alcoholic and how each of his siblings is also/was also an alcholic. I didn't even know he more siblings than a sister or that his brother died five months and five days after his dad had a heart attack. I asked my aunt how bad grandpa's alcoholism was because I can never tell if he's sober or completely trashed. He always has ruddy, Irish-red skin and yellow-tinged eyes no matter what it seems like. She said that it was bad and had always been bad for as long as she can remember, but that no one ever talks about it or does anything about it. I didn't say much after that, I know I can't get to know him. There's not time and there's not motivation.

We then talked about my dad, mostly about his affair. I told her that it felt like he betrayed all of us and that it was hard for me to stomach the fact that my mom had any shortcomings that would lead my dad to seek love elsewhere and she said she completely understood and told me about her and my uncle separating, which was a family rumor that I never really knew the truth about until now. I was really amazed that she was sharing all this information with me and I appreciated it, but I don't know if I can do anything with it. I'd like to have a relationship with my grandparents, but at this point in time, I don't feel that it's necessary. I've been fine without them, so what's the point? I'd even settle just for not feeling like an outsider at their house for christ's sake. But right now, I can't justify taking the time to force a relationship that I'm not even sure my grandparents would want. They seem pretty satisfied by having a good relationship with the rest of their grandchildren, why would they need one with me? When I see them, they ask me how school is, but that's basically it and even that is generic. Strangers ask you that. They know nothing about my life, what interests me, what I like to do for fun, who I've dated, etc. I don't think that they have ever met any of my friends even and I've had the same best friend for 16 years.

It feels better to have gotten that out of my mind and onto this blog, but it still hurts a little, deep in my soul there's a clenching that I can't get rid of. It hurts to know so much about my mom's family, but know absolutely nothing about my dad's. It hurts to acknowledge that there have been events out of my control that have made a relationship impossible with some members of my family. I can't tell my mom what my aunt and I talked about because she would instantly be pissed at my aunt, and although I don't think that would be appropriate, I know that's how it would be. She'd tell me to do what I wanted, but deep down I know she would be hurt if I suddenly grew this amazing relationship with my dad's mother.

It's been an emotionally draining day and I'll be happy when it ends. I could have gone without this fucking talk, but shit like this happens. My aunt was concerned that she was overstepping her boundaries and that I was an adult and I'd do what I want, but she was just upset that I felt this way about my grandparents. I feel flustered and exhausted from crying and I feel like none of this makes sense, but it feels better to write it out, so I suppose I'll just have to deal with the nonsensical sentences later because for now I want to eat Girl Scout Cookies with ice cold milk and lay in my bed and watch something that will make me cry out all of my tears.