Even I can't make this funny

I just got back from a wake that was for a friend's mom. She was only 49 years old and left behind three children. I'm not particularly close with this girl, but I've known her for three years and have worked with her on the RA staff this past year, so I felt like I should go to the wake, even if it was briefly, to at least show her some support and express my condolences-which I'll admit came out better when I wrote them in the card than when I tried to express them verbally.

The only people close to me that have ever died have been above the age of 65, so I can't say that I can relate to someone who lost a loved one that was taken too early. The friend's mom finally succumbed to multiple illnesses, the last of which was lymphoma, after being sick for quite sometime, so I suppose it was not sudden, but it still doesn't ease the pain of losing your mother at 49.

The hardest part at the wake was looking at my friend's dad, watching him stoically greet guests as he stood near his wife's coffin. He embraced each person that greeted him like he was hugging a long lost friend. It really moved me and I was surprised by my emotions. I watched him the entire time I was there, thinking how difficult it must be to see your two daughters who look exactly like your wife and how hard it must be to try to stay strong from them and your son, who is about to be married. He would periodically glance at his wife's lifeless body laid out before family and friends and this truly broke my heart. The love that they must have shared was so obvious that it filled the room and was clearly shown in his eyes.

Then I thought about all that my friend's mother would be missing. Her eldest daughter's college graduation, her youngest daughter's high school graduation, her only son being married, and the countless other moments that will occur in their lives without their mother being at their side to support them, comfort them, embrace them.

My mind drifted as I tried not to think about my mom or dad passing away, but it was inevitable in this environment I suppose. I thanked God that my parents are relatively healthy, besides being fucking chimneys, and I prayed that they would be around for a long time to come.

I never know how to respond to hearing that someone's relative or friend died. I do genuinely feel sympathetic, but I have no idea how to express it. I don't know what's appropriate or what's inappropriate, so sometimes I awkwardly hug the person, pat them on the back, and just say the generic "I'm sorry for your loss, let me know if you need anything." Honestly, when my grandma died a few years ago, I hated when people told me, "Let me know if you need anything." What the fuck am I going to need that you can offer me? Some booze? Some money? How about my grandma back for another 15-20 years? It's so fucking generic, but we all say it, and I suppose a good percentage of us mean it. Still, I can't compare the experience of losing a grandparent to a mother, no matter how close I was with my grandma, it just isn't the same.

My friend held up very well during the time I was at the wake. Obviously the family knew it was coming for some time, but how can the death of your mother at only 49 years old not be shocking in some manner? She didn't cry that I saw, she smiled, she held a baby, she thanked her friends for coming, she graciously accepted cards and flowers. She went through the motions so well that I felt like it was going to be very hard for her later when there aren't motions to take or hundreds of people around, watching your every move, thinking that you're going to fall and being humbled by your strength.

I cry the hardest when I'm alone and I feel like she will, too. There's nothing I can say to make any of it better or less tragic, so all I can do is keep the family in my thoughts and prayers and hope that their memories of their mom and wife will keep them comforted for the rest of their lives.

Tears of Joy

Earlier tonight, a few friends and I gathered around to talk about our weekends. I shared my stories of being a drunken idiot for most of the past four days, and asked one of my best friends, who shares my birthday, how his weekend of his 21st birthday was. "Good. Went home. Saw the grandparents. Got engaged," he said nonchalantly. When the word engaged came from his mouth, I immediately grabbed his fiance, my other best friend here at school, and we started crying as we embraced. I couldn't believe that I was crying. I'm usually not a sap, but I guess when two people are so close to you and they make such a life changing decision, it's normal to have an emotional reaction. I asked how he proposed and hugged him as I was still crying, even more so now that I knew how romantically he had done it. It was perfect for them. The ring is absolutely gorgeous and really suits her well. I'm so happy for them that words can't even describe it.

As the newly engaged couple informed some other friends, I could see how different peoples' reactions were. One of our friends smiled, but you could see it wasn't genuine. I knew that she was happy for them, but at the same time, I knew she was thinking about her boyfriend who she's been with for six years and how they were supposed to get engaged but he blew all the money he'd been saving for a ring. I guess it's hard to watch people around you get a ring when you want that more than anything, but aren't sure if it's going to happen or when it's going to happen. As for me, I can't see myself getting engaged or even dating someone seriously in the near future. It doesn't make me sad or anything to say that, it is what it is, but sometimes I wonder if other people judge me by my singleness. It's not that I hate men or that I have a fear of commitment or anything, it's just that I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to be in a relationship because there is a lot going on in my life and I'm unsure of many things so I don't think it would be fair to try to commit myself to another person at this time. Plus, I don't want to close myself off from other options (for lack of a better word). For example, one of the reasons I wouldn't date Douchebag, even if he wanted to, is because I don't want to have to say no to other guys. I wouldn't hookup with other guys while douchebag and I are doing whatever we're doing, but I would break things off with him completely if I found someone better (again, for lack of a better word). I think he feels the same way about me, and I understand it. I'm 21, I want to have fun. I want to have a one night stand, I want to have drunken, sloppy, passionate, teeth-and-nail-marks sex. I'm not saying that can't happen with someone you love, but for me at this moment, it wouldn't happen with someone I love.

Speaking of Douchebag, there's yet another story involving him. Last night I went out with a few girlfriends to a local bar for some drinks and just to have a good night. We spent a few hours there then drove to another bar where my cousin and some of his friends were at. By this point, I was pretty drunk and knew my friend had to leave, so I was going to be the only girl in a big sausage-fest of a night. We went back to my cousin's house to play some pool and drink a little more. Luckily, my aunt was there, so she protected somewhat from the verbal assault I was receiving for being on my phone with Douchebag instead of hanging out with the guys. In a weird way, I forgot how fun it is to hang out with just the guys, not competing for their attention, not looking to hookup with them, but just genuinely hanging out with them and having a good time. Anyways, Douchebag texted me a few hours after I invited him over, saying he couldn't come out tonight because he was too drunk to drive. According to my sent messages folder on my phone, I told him, "Oh fuck you, that's retarded." Then when he didn't answer quickly enough, "Fine. It'll be someone else then. Later." That got his attention. "Well why can't you come get me?" I told him I was drunk, too and that I was with a bunch of guys and they said they wouldn't drive to bring another guy over to the house. This must have pissed him off further because he called me at this point. I went in my cousin's bedroom for some privacy, but got harassed nonetheless. Douchebag asked if I wanted to hookup with any of the guys there. I told him not really, that I wanted him and that I'm sick of him playing these high school games of cat and mouse. He said he didn't understand and that he wants to fuck me, but he doesn't know when it's okay to come over and when it's not. I told him whatever and that I'm always the one to ask him over and it makes me feel like a piece of shit. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but I know he said that if he could make it out there, I'd be getting fucked tonight. Well, I got home around 4am and crashed. When I awoke, there was nothing from him, nor did I really expect there to be.

Meanwhile, another guy friend had texted me a lot that night. He was clearly drunk, but I still talked to him now and again through the night. I feel like we're in reversed situations. He wants me like I want douchebag, and douchebag doesn't want me like I don't want this other guy. He's texted me a few times today but I haven't really answered since I'm not interested. It wouldn't make a difference anyway right now because he's in Texas for school, a little bit too far away.

I feel that douchebag only wants me when he's drunk, but the only time I contact him usually is when I'm drunk, too. Do I do that so that if he says no, I don't care that much? I have no idea.